Onward and Upward

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I hope that my blog provided something useful to anyone going through postpartum depression. There’s no real reason to resurrect this blog.

But, recently I got pregnant.

I wasn’t really planning on doing any type of announcement. I didn’t do it with my first and I don’t really feel the need to do it. I figure everyone else just kind of hears about it and then it’s done (Mom’s got a great network).

But, I also felt that there were some things to explain. And maybe some hope to provide.

For the first two years of my son’s life, I couldn’t fathom the idea of having another child. My husband and my DC best friend are onlies, and they loved their childhood so I didn’t really feel the pressure that some feel to give my son a sibling.

But then things got cool. Like, really cool.

My son’s personality started to emerge. I started to really see the neat little person that he is. He started talking and having opinions and doing silly little things. It got awesome. There was part of me that thought – oh man, I’ve GOT to do this again because it will be so amazing to meet another amazing little person.

And…part of me realizes that I’m doing this to reclaim that baby period.

You see, postpartum depression robbed me. It took my ability to enjoy my little baby.

I want to experience the instant love that mothers describe. I want to enjoy the scent of a new baby. I want to enjoy baby giggles. I get that the baby stage might not be my favorite stage. But I want to be present for it in a way that I just couldn’t when I was hurtling toward the darkness. I want to have my baby and know that even though it’s hard, it’s going to get better.

People often ask me if I had another kid, am I worried about postpartum depression. The answer is simple: not really. Don’t mistake my cavalier words. I am still aware of how postpartum depression can sneak up on you and trick your brain into believing every lie – even the one that there’s no point in living any more. That no one will miss you and your baby doesn’t need a mother like you.

But I am so much more in tune with my body. I understand exactly what drives my moods and my hormones. I can articulate where and when pregnancy hormones are sneaking into my brain and altering my normal thoughts. I can fight against those now, all by myself, no medication needed. But I also know exactly the line when medication will be required, if it is.

I feel empowered.

And what’s even cooler than that, is that I am absolutely overjoyed about this little baby. I can’t wait to meet this little guy or gal and experience the baby stage because I’m stronger, more capable and no longer afraid.

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